My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
