Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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