She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
