Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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