The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
