Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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