you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
