I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
