bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
