Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
