Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
