R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
