i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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