ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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