Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
