dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
