Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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