I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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