Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
