oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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