fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancรฉ's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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