Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
