booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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