it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
