This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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