She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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