God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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