afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I fill condoms, not promises.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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