I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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