I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
