Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
