there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
