Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
