No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
