she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
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