I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
