If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
