so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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