Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
