I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Sorry my hands just texted you
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
