You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
