Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
