she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
