i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
