i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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