Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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