I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
