I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
