he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
