We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just had sex on a roof
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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