I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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