Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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