I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
